How Many Times

how many times can
you pick up the shattered
pieces of your heart
and mend them back into
something that kind-of-sort-of
beats
that somewhat-maybe
feels
that perhaps-sometimes
sends blood
where blood should go
and love where love should go
and hate where hate should
go
before it is entirely useless?

how many times can you
close your eyes
to lies
whether old lies
or new lies
big lies or small lies
before they
fall crashing down
and obliterate you
beneath a pile of dishonesty?

how many times
can you look in the mirror
not recognizing who you see

how many times can you go blind
want so desperately for
it all to be a dream

how many tears until your vision
fades for good?

how long do you have to scale
the mountain of your own
delusions,
your own weakness, doubt, insecurity,
the promises you meant every word
of,
the promises that newfound truth
destroyed
before you get a vantage point
that serves you
rather than adding
to the confusion?

how long until you decide
enough is enough
I give up
I am done
the world wins
I am shattered beyond repair